Download MOG-2006-05-15.mp3 (Click to listen)
Now you've done it. We're all uneasy. Paper shredders are flying off the shelves...people are checking their credit reports every fifteen minutes...guarding their trash and bank accounts. Yes...you have hit a nerve. They are afraid for good reason. You and your cowardly cronies are reaching into the personal lives of God-fearing citizens and traipsing off with their very essence--that which makes them, well...them--their identities. Their very lives are being spirited away. This personally invasive criminal activity leaves the most secure individual feeling skittish.
Fortunately, I've not had the pleasure of being targeted by you creapily creative criminals. But I do have a message for you:
To the criminal community I say: Steal me!
I'm forty pounds overweight. Take it all, it's yours. I'll leave it in plain site around my waist, hips and thighs. No need to notify me when you plan to exercise your thievery--just surprise me.
I also have some laugh lines. They too are available for the taking. You'll find them sprinkled generously all over my face (they tend to congregate around my eyes and mouth). Don't worry, I'll leave them totally unprotected. I won't miss them. I've long since realized life is not that funny. If it gets funnier, I'll simply generate more laugh lines. Keep checking back with me--consider me an endless supply.
I wear a size ten shoe. Ok...size eleven in the afternoon. I'll leave at least three shoe sizes in a Tupperware container next to the blue mailbox...in front of the house with the dandelion farm. Help yourself.
I also have quite bit of clutter in my life--specifically, fourteen unopened boxes in my basement. These boxes were packed for the movers 13 years ago and have remained unopened through six moves, three marriages, five states and two countries. If there's treasure in one of those boxes, I'll never know. Stop by on Wednesday afternoon between one and three...you'll need a truck. I'll leave the boxes in the back yard. Help yourself---close the gate when you leave.
I have a habit of not listening very well. I'm pretty sure I'm clairvoyant. Therefore, I know what people are going to say before they say it---so why waste time listening. While they talk, I often amuse myself by mentally rehearing how I will articulate my next brilliant thought. Admittedly, this self-centeredness causes problems. Please take it away! The people around me will be grateful and my life will improve immeasurably. I'll leave this self-serving habit in an Aigner shoebox on the backdoor step next to the mulberry bush.
Oh...one last thing. For the last five years, I've been plagued with daily drenchings fondly referred to as "hot flashes." The name does not do them justice. They are not hot--they are scorching. They are also not flashes--they last waaay too long. I've had to purchase a walk-in freezer to serve as my dressing room in the morning. Please accept my hot flashes as my gift for all the joy you bring to your fellowman. If you happen to live in a cold climate, the hot flashes will come in very handy. If you don't--feel free to take my walk-in freezer too--you'll need it...I'll have no further use for it.
My larcenous friends, I offer you these wonderful and easy opportunites to exercise your talents. But don't rush off just yet...I have a feeling there are more people like me who have a few things they'd like to get rid of too.
Ladies...anything you'd like to add to this list?
Comments